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Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Four communication patterns that predict relationship failure: criticism (attacking character), contempt (superiority/disrespect), defensiveness (victim mentality), and stonewalling (emotional withdrawal)
How It Works
These behaviors create negative cycles that erode fundamental respect and connection. Contempt is the worst because it signals hierarchy rather than equality
Components
Identify which horseman is present
Replace criticism with complaint about specific behavior
Counter contempt by building culture of appreciation
Replace defensiveness with responsibility
Counter stonewalling with breaks and re-engagement
When to Use
When evaluating relationship health, training in conflict resolution, or diagnosing why certain interactions feel toxic
When Not to Use
Not for casual disagreements or when immediate safety is at risk
Anti-Patterns to Avoid
Example
“Instead of saying 'You always leave dishes everywhere, you're so inconsiderate' (criticism + contempt), say 'When dishes are left in the sink, I feel overwhelmed. Could we figure out a system?' (specific complaint)”