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Giving Contest vs. Taking Contest Framework

Reusability

98% of relationships are 'taking contests' where people measure what they get. The 2% that thrive are 'giving contests' where both parties focus on what they can contribute rather than what they receive

How It Works

When you focus on giving, you inspire reciprocal giving and expand the total pie. When you focus on taking/measuring, you create tit-for-tat dynamics that shrink the pie through defensive behaviors

Components

1

Ask 'How can I give more?' instead of 'What am I getting?'

2

Stop measuring contributions

3

Assume positive intent from your partner

4

Focus on expanding the pie, not claiming your slice

When to Use

In long-term partnerships (business or personal), when relationships feel transactional, or when resentment is building

When Not to Use

With people who consistently take advantage, in clearly defined transactional relationships, or when safety/boundaries are at risk

Anti-Patterns to Avoid

Keeping mental scorecardsTit-for-tat retaliationCalculating your ROI on relationshipsGiving conditionally based on what you receive

Example

Instead of thinking 'I handled the last client crisis, so Sam should handle this one,' think 'How can I best support us getting through this crisis, regardless of who did what last time?'